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A Closet Homosexual

It’s interesting, to read a recent story about Anwar Ibrahim and his closet homosexual thing, as accused by I-Knew-Everything-You-Didn’t lawyer, Tan Sri Shafee Abdullahalbeit that old man already heavenly prison at Sungai Buloh, the talking about him never settles.

Paradoxically, when the terms of ‘closet homosexuality’ being popularised by someone important (depend on your self-intellectual interpretation)latelyand sensationalised by the media, the public in Malaysia especially is like being woken up with something new, that they never heard before.

For someone who never put interest in homosexual stuff, the ‘closet’ term seems nothing. What’s that moron?

That might be their response, although we can say confidently that there are a bunch of closet homosexual cases happens in Malaysia, in facts in the rural area because of the fearsome factor, force someone to mutely retreat in their closet.

That is the literal definition of closet homosexual. The surrounding which too terrifying for someone who has homosexual tendency force them to be in their closet, never coming out and silently pretending like nothing happened and hiding their sexual preferences from acknowledging by the public.

So, when Mr Lawyer putting it in the media, public will try to comprehend it. I thought it would be a good start for homosexuality discourse happening over in this country and people could learn to discuss and discussing it without putting the judgmental and sentiment first before their rationality.

The problem why this homosexuality issue never gets their justice to be freely discussed in public is because of people like to put their narrow judgemental before everything else.

When the terms of homosexual coming up in any conversations, its sound legit, dirty, full of sins, it’s a Sodom’s misbehaviour, the hell, and everything.

So inevitably it makes people felt discussing homosexuality issues is useless, nothing good, inviting God’s wrath, and the fears start to spread.

It makes the issues never maturely discussed, making it sensitive to some part of society, unreligious and bringing forward childish accuses as the issues are about to promote LGBT lifestyle and whatsoever.

Thus, I ask myself, at the end where all of these will drove into?

I feel sorry for both parties. The first is the anti-gay communities and the second, my pity to LGBT communities. I knew how nowadays the entire world has already opened up to this kind of conversations. We are not living in the 18th century anymore.

The issue of closet homosexuality brought me back to the last year’s fiction I read titled “Out Of The Pocket” written beautifully by Bill Konigsberg.

The book is about Bobby Framingham, a promising quarterback in high school, which is gay, and he was forced out of the closet without his willingness by one of the high school’s reporters—someone who he thought his best friend.

Surely that reporter never thinking about the repercussions, or what it meant to Bobby after the story published in the papers, except for his popularity and confine motif. The case, I thought, would be the same for Anwar Ibrahim.

Why we kept talking about his sexuality, as if his activities on the bed is everything we need daily.

To dehumanised people, by demonising the homosexuality thing, isn’t helping the right thing to be correctly done.

A closet case is a pity, for someone who can’t talk or openly discussed their sexuality with others. We, as a society, cannot ever help the problem velvety as long as this kind of constrained mentality keeps going. We need to change this, by changing how the way we look and think about homosexuality issues.

The story about Bobby is fascinating to look upon. I ask myself if I happen to be gay, do I have to spend the rest of my life feeling fear, terror of being found out by my parent and friends?

Or feeling sick and intimidate every time guys joke around?

Can I turn that part of my brain off?

And how will do I do it?

Do you—who came across and read this, have answers for that?

If no, thus, to make fun or to threatening or acting hostile on the gay people, is not funny at all. The conversation between Bobby and Dr Blassingame, the school psychologist in one evening is worth to read when Bobby tells him about his secret.

“I think that’s wonderful,”
“It’s wonderful?”
“Well, yes, isn’t it? Sexuality is a beautiful thing, and we’re all different, and knowing who you are is truly a gift—”
“Are you serious? This could ruin my life.”
“Oh, I see. How?”
“Are you gay?”

On Bobby’s part, he felt alarming and frightening. He felt once the pocket breaks down, he had better be ready to scramble. That was a common closet dilemma. He felt, his feet are all he can one hundred percent depend on. Surrounding? We can anticipate how the world going to react.

To put in contextif I happen to be gay, then the world will chew me and will frighten me as if a six-foot-six mammoth in a helmet was running at me, full speed, with a look somewhere between homicidal and maniacal in his eye.

People are going to humiliate me, to shame me in front of everyone. Family going to kick me off of the house, instantly.

To bring Bobby’s spirit, we were all the same. And that means it’s okay, the one way I’m definitely different, but we have way lot of other similarities.

Why on earth we never talk about that likenesses?

The reason is simple, to demonise is deliciously devouring. OK, let’s start the contemplation.

Therefore, what the options left?

Does it matter to coming out?

Someone would say, to sit there not saying anything, it might as well be a lie. People will think it's kind of betrayal. Perhaps, it does matter. I keep waiting for people to just accept that I’m gay, as gay and straight are equal.

But they aren’t equal. Otherwise, would we be having this conversation? Would we have voted on whether I would worth stay living on earth or not? Thus, in spite everything happening around, nothing I can say is going to stop this speeding train. It’s in motion and way beyond my power.

I can’t speak, I can’t move. All I can do is look at surrounding and listen and allow my body to quake silently. I realised then something that until that moment I’d never fully understood.

I realised that I was my own person, separate from my dad, separated from my mum. And I was gay. I was alone in this no matter how much other people cared, or supported me. This was my thing.

“Things are really coming around for you, Bobby.”
“How do I know when to take control, and when to just let things go?”
“Now that, Bobby Framingham, is an intriguing question.”
“So what’s the answer?”
“If any of us knew, we’d all be just about perfect. I listen to my heart, Bobby. If I really want to know what to do in a certain situation, if I’m not sure if I should take control of something or let it go, I listen to my heart. I let my heart tell me what to do.”

I’m pretty sure that’s what will happen because life isn’t like this. We don’t get to live a life where the right is so purely good that you can taste it, like the sweetness of an orange. We aren’t going to make it better.

Like it or not, I’m going to get through this, or not. Myself. I have to go into the ocean. To cleanse my mind. I just need to go. It really doesn’t matter. Life can be full of sandcastle building and chocolate and ice-cream, and that’s true, purely good.

I’m glad I’m out of the closet now, but it wasn’t my choice. People force me to do so. I’ve never been excellent outside the pocket. It’s not intrinsically because of me, it is an outside factor. I went to sleep feeling as relaxed as I’d felt in ages. It’s kind of nice, having no secrets for once. So I’m out now.

And I’m learning how to throw on the run, and I’m learning to accept who I am. And none of it is easy. But learning to scramble on the run is making me a better person. That’s me, not the homicidal maniac. Just turn my crank, and I’ll gush stupid jokes at you all night.

“Yes, I believe that’s so. Also, you are angry because you are gay and this will make it hard to pursue a career in football.”
“You got it.”
“I see. Perhaps the answer is to change your sexuality.”
“I don’t think I can.”
“Ah. So it’s stronger than you are.”
“Well, in some ways it is, I guess.”
“So you can’t change it.”
“No, I guess not.”
“I see. Well, Bobby. If you can’t change something, I believe you have two choices.”
“You can accept it, or you can deny it.”
“So I guess I accept it. But what if I accept it, but the world doesn’t?”
“I guess all you can do, then, is change the world.”
“Okay then, I guess I’ll do that.”
“I know you’re not serious, but do me a favor, will you? Keep that in mind. Someone has to change the world. Why not you?”
“I’ll think about that,”

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